Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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