i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
