highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
