The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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