I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me