dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
