dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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