also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
