I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
