I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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