so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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