apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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