we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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