you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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