I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.