K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
