I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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