Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
