Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
