You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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