I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
