Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
