Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
