How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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