Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
