i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Sext me about skeletons
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
