I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
