My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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