I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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