there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
