update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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