Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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