Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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