PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
