I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
