The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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