Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
