I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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