I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
