just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
