why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
