A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
