My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
