Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
