True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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