Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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