its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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