dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
