we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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