Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
