No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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