rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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