Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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