Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
