it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
