Betty ford says i'm here all night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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