someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
