true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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