News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
