My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My vagina is officially offended.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend